Composing a wedding homily

As with all celebrants, I have dozens of interesting stories to tell about weddings (and they all have to do with what went WRONG!) very few stories to tell about what went right.

For me, a wedding, for all the extravagant symbolism and ritual, seems to be an extremely bare topic for homilists. It is not a time for words; or, at least, for words that will be remembered.  The meaning of marriage has already been explained in the readings and in the ritual prayers, which are quite good. There is very little I can add.

What is worse, is  wondering who is listening to me. I’m not a humble person, and if I am supposed to be the presider, I don’t enjoy being, as one priest put it, “one more floral arrangement” being positioned by the photographer and the wedding director. It requires great humility on my part to fit into other people’s expectations.

Ironically, though I enjoy humor, I  am very careful about using humor at weddings.  I have seen a lot of humor, most of it in bad taste, around weddings, coming from,  in many cases, the single friends of the couple.  They are (in my opinion)  covering up their very mixed emotions over marriage, and commitment, and, in this ceremony, of losing these two people from the “single” category,  by sophomoric humor, and I don’t want to be a part of that.  It’s one of the times where I see my role as adding to the solemnity of the occasion, rather than experimenting with it. It certainly is NOT my wedding, and I am not interested in being the center of attention.

On the other hand:  I have never forgotten the advice Fr. Willard Jabusch gave us forty years ago, in homiletics class:  Remember who is there. There are many persons in church today for the first time, maybe the only time, this year. This may be the only homily they will year all year.  What will they take away from what I say today?

Accordingly, I use one of my favorite approaches: the sneak attack. I start out, as everyone expects, with platitudes about marriage and about the couple. I then shift to talking about married life, but stripping away the idealism, and talking frankly about the real issues faced by the married couples present; then, the advice I offer them is also applicable to everyone present in church today.

After a few years of frustration, I finally developed a one size fits all homily for weddings. This works especially well in a Mexican-American context, whose tradition and customs around marriage are quite distinct from the mainstream culture I grew up with.

The most obvious differences with the Mexican-American culture are:

-           this is a family event; two families are being joined together, and the couple automatically adapt their wishes to the families’ wishes without resentment, in a way that would be offensive to mainstream North Americans;

-          in Latin America, the civil marriage has already taken place; in many cases, the church marriage takes place years after the civil marriage. So everyone is quite aware of the two different meanings of the word “marriage.”

-          Whatever the actual practice is, the assumption is that God has drawn these two people together, and they are simply “doing what comes naturally;” freedom and autonomy do not occupy the same importance in the Hispanic culture.

-          Even if the couple is quite Americanized, and comfortable in the mainstream culture, most of them feel a great obligation to parents, grandparents, and other family to celebrate the mass in a language and culture which respects the beliefs of their parents, not necessarily their own.

Those are the working assumptions I begin with whenever I celebrate a wedding for primarily Hispanic families. (Obviously, they need to be adjusted to individual circumstances)

SAMPLE HOMILY:

We are gathered here together on this very special day, when Clara and Oliviero wish to celebrate, in the presence of their family and friends, the sacrament of marriage.

As we all know, there are two types of marriage: civil and church marriage.

We all know what civil marriage is, right? It is a contract, an agreement between two persons. It has rights and obligations. Clara and Oliviero have made their civil contract, before a civil judge.  And like any civil contract, it can be dissolved when both people feel that the marriage no longer meets their needs. Divorce is a way established by the government to dissolve this contract and provide for the children.

So if civil marriage is a contract between two people, what is the sacrament of  marriage? Why are we here in church? What is a sacrament about?      (PAUSE)  

It is about our relationship with God. Clara and Oliviero are here because they believe that God has brought them together, that God wants them to form a family, and that God will be with them in better and worse.

(WALK OVER NEXT TO COUPLE)

So the sacrament of marriage is not  only  about two people; right?     (PAUSE)  

Who else is involved? Who was really responsible for you meeting each other, who is the one who will keep you together in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health? Who is the only person, in heaven and on earth,  who really can make a promise that will never be broken?

Yes. God.

So we are not here to celebrate a civil marriage, a civil contract; this is not just about Clara and Oliviero;  it is about three  people; Oliviero, Clara, and God.    (PAUSE)  

Even if Clara and Oliviero are not getting along very well, they are never alone. God is with them. And this is why what we are doing here today  cannot be dissolved; because God is faithful. Human beings are sinful; human beings fail; we all fail; and at times they will fail.  But God is faithful.

(WALK BACK TO PULPIT)

So how can two weak, sinful people dare to make a promise to be faithful forever? Alone, of course, they cannot; that is why civil law allows divorce. But they are not alone. They are making this promise with God’s blessing and God’s grace. And God is faithful.

There is only one, small problem.    (PAUSE)  

Tomorrow.

And the day after.

This beautiful wedding, all the sentiments we feel today, will last one day.

Tomorrow the ceremony, the reception, the music,  will be over.

Tomorrow is a new day; and all the wonderful feelings we have today will be gone.  Memories.

So what will you have to hang on to, what will be sure?  How will you know, how will you feel God’s blessing, when times get difficult?

What is the lifeline for help?  What do you do when you need help?     (PAUSE)   ASK.

(STEP DOWN FROM PULPIT, IF NECESSARY, TO HEAR THE RESPONSE)

Yes.  Prayer.  You pray, right?   ASK.

Do you all pray?   Yes. We all pray when we are in trouble.  And how do we pray?

(RETURN TO PULPIT)

I think about a couple, Lupe and José  who came to talk to me several years ago. They were having a lot of problems with communication, and so every night they would pray. Lupe would kneel down on her side of the bed, and pray:  “Lord, give me patience!  Give me patience with this man who never understands me! who never listens to me! Who comes home at night, sits in front of the TV, and doesn’t talk to me! I tell him how my day was, how the children are doing, and he doesn’t listen! Give me patience, O Lord!”

And José  kneels down on his side of the bed and prays,  “Give me patience, O Lord! Give me patience with this woman who never stops talking, never leaves me in peace! I come home from work, tired, frustrated, angry with my boss, fighting with traffic, ready to explode, needing to calm down, I just want a beer and some TV, and she is right after me, all the problems of the house, of her sisters, her mother, the neighbors, all the problems of the children, where will we go next weekend, why don’t we visit her family this year, all I want is ten minutes of peace and quiet? Give me patience, Lord, give me strength!”

(BY NOW --- HOPEFULLY – THERE IS A LOT OF LAUGHING  AND RECOGNITION AT THE REALITY OF MARRIED LIFE)

So – this is simple, right?  Both of them are asking for the same thing, right? This should be easy for God, right?

They should both have their prayers answered,  right?     (PAUSE)   

Soooo…  if they really are both asking for the same thing, then …. if they both really want patience and understanding,  then…..

Why not pray together?

Why not kneel down on the same side of the bed, and pray:

“Lord, life is difficult. Both of us are lonely. Both of us feel sad.

Both of us need to listen more and be more compassionate.

Help us both, Lord, to be more understanding.

Help us forgive each other when we fail.

Give us both patience, Lord.”

Is this so hard?

Do you do it?  Do  YOU do it?  Do you pray together? (WALK DOWN THE AISLE, LOOKING PEOPLE   IN THE  EYE)

   Do you confess your faults together, and ask God’s forgiveness together?   Do you?     

(RETURN TO PULPIT)

We say wonderful things about marriage; we sing wonderful songs about being united together, one heart, one soul,  right?

(IF THE MOOD IS RIGHT, I WILL BREAK INTO A FEW BARS OF A REALLY SENTIMENTAL SPANISH LOVE SONG – since my voice is OK, but certainly not excellent, they will recognize the tune, and also laugh at my poor rendition – hopefully, some will also realize that my poor rendition of the song relates to their poor, stumbling attempts at real love)

We expect God to help us in trouble,  right?     (PAUSE) 

And how do we ask for help?     (PAUSE)     We pray, right?

And if two people, a couple, need help, they both ask together, at the same time, right?

( I LEAVE THE PULPIT, GO DOWN INTO THE AISLE AGAIN, ASK:)

So when you need help in your marriage, you pray to God together, right?  Side by side?

Right?  (ASK AS BEFORE,  LOOKING PEOPLE IN THE EYES)

( RETURN TO COUPLE)

When Clara and Oliviero came to me for marriage preparation,

During our talks,  This is what I told them:

I don’t have much advice for you.

I’m not married  (I LOOK UP TO THE SKY,  AND SAY,  “THANK YOU, LORD!’

I don’t have children  (I LOOK UP AGAIN,  AND SAY,  “THANK YOU, LORD!’

I don’t have relatives, and in-laws, …..

(BY THIS TIME – HOPEFULLY – THERE WILL BE A LOT OF LAUGHTER)

You will be getting a lot of advice from a lot of people about marriage.

However,  there is one thing I do have to tell you:

Pray.

You will make a commitment with each other and with God.

Because I have my commitment, I have the promise I have made to God as a priest and I ask God every day for the help that I need. A priest does not only say the same prayers that an ordinary person says; the Church has set out a very specific book of prayers for priests, so we can ask for the special help we need every day, called the “Divine Office.”  A priest makes a vow to pray those prayers every day of his life. If you see a priest who is in trouble, who is not fulfilling his obligation, it is very likely he is not being faithful to saying his prayers. In the old days, those prayers took about an hour a day; now, we can usually finish in 15 or 20 minutes.

Unfortunately, the Church has not written out a book of prayers especially for married couples; so each one of you needs to find for yourselves what prayers you need. But the absolute requirement is that you pray together, as a couple! Each one of you prays your own prayers, according to your need; but you need to join your voices together in order for God to give you the special grace you need as a couple in your marriage.  As much as you love your children, you cannot eat for them; they must eat their own food. You cannot study for them; they must learn on their own. And one member of a couple cannot pray on behalf of the other; both must pray together.

I was telling this to a married couple one day, and the wife blurted out, “but how can we pray together? We can’t even talk to each other!” 

I responded,  “ESPECIALLY (IN A VERY LOUD VOICE) when you can’t talk to each other, you need to talk to God! Who else is going to heal you, so you can forgive each other?”

Today, every day, there are hundreds, probably thousands of people getting married all over the world. Do they love each other? Of course! Do they believe with all their hearts that this is true love? Of course. Do they think it will last forever? Maybe not in Hollywood, but most people believe it will last forever.

So do they last forever?  Do most marriages last forever?  You know the answer to that. Is it God’s fault?  Does God help some people and not others? Does everyone ASK God for help?  Do they join their voices together, as Jesus said, “Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in their midst.”

So the only advice I give  Clara and Oliviero is…. pray.

Not just as ordinary people.  You are no longer ordinary people.  You are a couple, a marriage blessed by God. You need to pray as a couple.

Last year, I looked at statistics on the Internet. Why do some marriages succeed and others fail? What is the secret ingredient?     (PAUSE)   

Prayer.

Couples who go to church regularly, together, have a  much lower divorce rate than others. Couples who pray together daily as a couple are even more successful. Nothing else really matters – age, income, education, religion – love easily overcomes those. But human love only goes so far. Couples who pray together have God’s love to make up for the weaknesses in their human love.

So don’t thank me for blessing your wedding. Thank God.  But the only real way to thank God is to pray – together – every day of your lives.